A Nightmare to Sit Through

I went to see the new remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street for Jackie Earle Haley. No, not because I owed him a favor or anything, but because I thought his casting as Freddy Krueger, stepping into Robert Englund's iconic finger-blades, was dead-on. I loved Haley as Rorschach in Watchmen -- he was the best thing in the movie -- and I've enjoyed him as the computer geek sidekick in the Fox drama Human Target. So I figured, what's not to like?

How about the fact that he barely registers under all that melted-cheese-pizza makeup and pitched-way-down-to-here gravel pit of a voice? How about that none of the "high schoolers" (and I use that term very loosely) look like they've seen the business end of a hall pass in about ten years? How about that the movie is so crammed with music stings and jump cuts -- the cheapest, laziest way to get a scream out of the horror film audience -- that you're bored inside of about 30 minutes?

This movie was designed to cash in on the horror remake craze quickly and get out of Dodge, which it seems to have done, taking the box office for one weekend before the Iron Man 2 juggernaut rolls into town. It's probably going to make back its investment, and a nice, tidy profit besides, which means we'll likely see Haley pull on the finger blades one more time. Well, somebody will. But not me, brother. This nightmare is over.

Give the new Nightmare 3 out of 10 stars. An early candidate for the Allie of 2010.

Clap for the Wolfman? Maybe a Little...

I'll say it up front: I hadn't anticipated a movie this much since INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS. Unfortunately, more often than not, the reality doesn't live up to the dream. THE WOLFMAN, twice postponed (a red flag right there), opened Friday, and considering it was an R-rated horror movie opening on the no. 1 date weekend of the year, $30 mil at the box office wasn't too bad. But I digress. I liked some of it; not enough to give it a big rave, but I think horror fans will be able to enjoy it.

This movie was championed by Benicio Del Toro; he starred in it, stuck by it when the first director dropped out and the release date was pushed back, even got a producer's credit for his efforts. And he turned out to be one of the best things in the movie. Del Toro does "tortured soul" very well, and he even bears a passing resemblance to Lon Chaney Jr, although I might be pushing that a bit. I liked what he brought to the tragic character of Lawrence Talbot, prodigal son returned just in time to take on the most iconic of all horror film curses. I liked the British actress Emily Blunt as Gwen Conliffe, the love interest. The two had a nice chemistry together. I was less enamored of Anthony Hopkins, chewing the scenery in the Claude Rains role as Del Toro' s father, Sir John. He was short, squat, looked like Louis Pasteur, and opened the door on a plot point that really sent the movie off the rails.

Which is a shame, because for a while there I really enjoyed myself. The look of THE WOLFMAN was spectacular; the production designer deserves some kind of award for the film. (Even though I knew much of what I was seeing, especially the long range shots of the mansion, was pure CGI.)

And speaking of CGI -- the transformation scenes (what you were allowed to see, anyway) were less than impressive. Rick Baker's legendary expertise was limited to close-up head shots of the creature; second-choice director Joe Johnston decided to forego a time-consuming transformation process a la Baker's masterpiece, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON. He chose instead to let the computers run wild, and once again, we're presented with a gallery of faked CGI numbers that truly underwhelm. Let's face it; when you see the Wolfman leaping across city rooftops on all fours like a hungry husky, you kinda know you're not watching flesh and blood.

I'll give the film a qualified thumb's up for a good show from Del Toro, Blunt, and Baker. It's worth about 7 out of 10 stars. But purists of the 1941 film -- prepare to scream foul when that little plot point I mentioned earlier rears its ugly head. You'll want to take screenwriter Andrew Kevin Walker (SE7EN) and kick him in the nards. Because, after all, the wolfman has nards. Remember?

Super Bowl Movie Ads -- 2010 Edition

It's hard to kill some traditions -- especially my annual look at the Super Bowl Movie Ads. The numbers were down slightly from last year's record 11 movie spots, but the quality was pretty good and stuck pretty closely to the target audience, with at least one glaring exception. Here are this year's spots, rated from 5 to 1 Smileys:

THE CRAZIES :) :) :) :) :) This was a shock, to see a horror remake at the top of the list; it didn't even show until the postgame festivities. But it was cut differently from the trailer, with some text screen captions that amped the tension for me. A remake of the Romero film about a small town infested with a bloodthirsty psychosis, it looks promising. This is what I look for in a Super Bowl Movie Ad: showing me something different.
SHUTTER ISLAND :) :) :) :) Very well-cut spot that highlights some of the creepiest images from Scorsese's adaptation of the Dennis Lehane thriller. It downplays the mental stability of a lead character (seen front-and-center in the trailer) in favor of eye-grabbing visuals. I'm actually looking forward to this one now, even though I know the ending from the book.
ROBIN HOOD :) :) :) :) They sneaked this one online the other day; I liked it then, and I like it now. Plays up the action/battle quotient, plays down the romance, although I think Cate Blanchett is the perfect choice for Maid Marian. Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe are back. Sounds like Gladiator crossed with Braveheart. No footage of the Merry Men that I could see.
THE WOLFMAN :) :) :) It loses at least one Smiley for not showing anything new. It holds onto at least three Smileys with an If-it-ain't-broke-why-fix-it? attitude. Opens this coming weekend -- finally.
ALICE IN WONDERLAND :) :) :) I'm not sure why this one was here, although it was fifth in a chronological line of eight and the first to make my son respond verbally, as in "I want to see that one." Eye-popping visuals, which is to be expected with anything featuring Tim Burton and Johnny Depp.
THE LAST AIRBENDER :) :) Thirty seconds of frenetic, incomprehensible CGI action from M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong; I think this guy's career could officially be over. No. 1 Son said it's based on a video game; I'm not surprised.
PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME :) :) Thirty more seconds of even more incomprehensible CGI action, which John said was also based on a video game. Like a video game adaptation could be slow-moving.
THE BACK-UP PLAN :) I didn't realize thhis was a movie ad until it was almost over; it showed a strange, freaked-out childbirth class, and I thought, what are these guys selling? Then I thought, Hey! That's J-Lo! I didn't know she was pregnant! Then they flashed the title -- an actual movie. God help us. This movie's target audience was already in the theaters, watching Dear John, the latest weepie from Nicholas Sparks. They sure as hell weren't home watching the Super Bowl.

Biggest surprise omission, unless they put it on during the pre-game, which I highly doubt: Iron Man 2. The studio probably figured they didn't need to spend $3 mil on a film with a guaranteed $300 mil at the box office.

Quickie comments on the non-movie ads this year:
1. I love those E-Trade baby commercials. There were three, and they were all funny.
2. Putting Letterman and Leno together, with Oprah as the referee, was a stroke of genius.
3. I'm a sucker for ads with big names sending up their images, like the Brett Favre Hyundai ad, the Megan Fox Motorola ad, and Troy Polamalu subbing for the Punxsutawney groundhog. (That one was weird.)
4. The Careerbuilder.com "Casual Friday" ad was funny in an I-can't-believe-my-eyes-haven't-turned-away-yet sort of way. Lots of unflattering bodies in their tighty whities. As far from CGI as you can get.

What's Coming in 2010

In place of a much-needed club meeting -- damn you, Mother Nature -- I find myself in front of the computer with nothing to do. (I've already vacuumed the house.) So I thought I'd resurrect an old Forum chestnut and lay out some key genre films to look for as the year moves along. There are some gems, some surprises, some train wrecks waiting to happen, some why-bother? remakes, and Saw VII 3D. 'Nuff said. Here ya go:

FEBRUARY

THE WOLF MAN. Hell, yes. And it opens on my birthday, to boot! I haven't looked forward to a movie this much since Inglourious Basterds. The trailer looks properly atmospheric, and it's got a great cast.
SHUTTER ISLAND. If I hadn't already read the Dennis Lehane novel that Martin Scorsese's film is based on, I'd probably be looking forward to this one more. But the trailer looks creepy; I didn't think Martin had it in him.
THE CRAZIES. Remake #1, but I'll be there, because it's based on the one George Romero movie I've never seen. (I think.)
And "Sleeper No. 1": FROZEN. I've seen the trailer; it looks intense. Early buzz on the geek sites is very high. Three friends get stuck on a ski lift when the resort shuts down for the weekend, and no one is coming back until the following weekend. Get the picture?

MARCH

CLASH OF THE TITANS. Remake #2. The first time I think Ray Harryhausen has ever been remade -- that's practically sacrilegious -- but once again, the trailer looks promising. (I'm a sucker for a well-cut trailer.) Sam Worthington is hot off AVATAR, and with Liam Neeson as Zeus and Ralph Fiennes as Hades, who knows?

To be continued. We just ordered pizza, and I have to clear the sidewalk.

Goodbye, Spenser

It's almost a day after I learned that a good friend of mine has died, and I'm still in shock. The fact that I've met this friend face-to-face just once in my life -- about 5 years ago -- is immaterial. I feel like I've known Robert B. Parker for years.

Parker was best known as the creator of the Spenser detective novels, centered around a tough Boston P.I. Robert Urich played the character in a short-lived TV series back in the '80s. Parker also created the character of Police Chief Jesse Stone, capably played by Tom Selleck in a recent series of TV movies. In addition, Parker created a series with a strong female lead, Boston P.I. Sunny Randall, as well as a recent string of westerns featuring the pairing of guns-for-hire Virgil Cole and Everett Hitch. The first of these, Appaloosa, was made into an excellent film starring Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen.

Parker was credited by many of his fellow writers as single-handedly saving the "hard-boiled" detective genre in the '70s when he created Spenser. His writing style was terse, direct, yet surprisingly witty, never more so than when Spenser would trade barbs with his friend Hawk, or repartee with his lady love, Susan Silverman. I've read so many Spenser novels that I've lost track of them all, but thanks to Parker's prolific output -- he averaged three or four books a year for many years -- I could always count on another title just around the next corner.

Several years ago, Parker appeared at the White Marsh Barnes & Noble for a book signing, and I attended. It gave me a chance to meet a real live "famous" author, and while Parker was never on the order of a Dan Brown or Stephen King, he was one of my favorites. That day I got him to sign his latest hardcover, a Sunny Randall novel, I got his publicist to take a picture of us together, and I asked him some questions, most of which I can no longer remember. However, I do remember one comment he made, a rather eerie one given today's context. He said that he worked so far ahead that he could die tomorrow and his publisher would have at least four books ready to go into print. Sure enough, the publisher noted today that a new Jesse Stone novel will be published next month, and several more books, including a few more Spenser novels, are "in the pipeline."

I plan to savor each and every one of them, one page at a time.

The Year in Netflix - 2009

Without further ado, here's my list of movies watched via Netflix in 2009. As you can see, I really indulged my grindhouse tastes last year. But there were a few gems, as well.

THE YEAR IN NETFLIX RENTALS, 2009

SAHARA (Bogart)
BE KIND REWIND
SALO
THREE DAYS OF THE CONDOR
FOUR FOR TEXAS
HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER
THE KLANSMAN
SCREAM, BLACULA, SCREAM!
SHOGUN ASSASSIN
W.
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS
PUNISHER: WAR ZONE
LAKEVIEW TERRACE
ROMANCE
EXTREME PREJUDICE
SCHOOLGIRL REPORT: VOL. 1
SPLINTER
LAID TO REST
MARTYRS
THE UNINVITED
THE WRESTLER
CONFESSIONS OF A YOUNG AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE
UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS
AND THEN THERE WERE NONE
FEMALE PRISONER: CAGED!
DEFIANCE
THE KILLER ELITE
TRUE BLOOD: SEASON 1
12 ROUNDS
CALIGULA
BEDTIME STORIES
ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM
THE FURIES
DEXTER: SEASON 3
SPRING BREAK
THE H-MAN
MIDNIGHT BLUE: VOL. 6
THE YAKUZA
MAID IN SWEDEN
STREET KINGS
THE LAST HOUSE ON THE BEACH
THE HAPPENING
WHITE DOG
CHAMBER OF HORRORS
TRICK ‘R’ TREAT
WWE: HULK HOGAN’S UNRELEASED MATCHES
DAMIEN: OMEN II
OMEN III: THE FINAL CONFLICT
CARRIERS
ORPHAN
THE PROPOSAL

I also watched the following instantly at my computer:

TWO-MINUTE WARNING
REMO WILLIAMS: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS
DIGGSTOWN
MY FAVORITE YEAR
D.O.A.
THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE
DAWN OF THE DEAD
THE LAUGHING POLICEMAN
THE APES SEQUELS (BENEATH, ESCAPE, CONQUEST, BATTLE)
A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
WEREWOLF OF WASHINGTON
POSEIDON
GRINDHOUSE
PORKY’S
MR. WARMTH: THE DON RICKLES PROJECT

Yes, I do have a life. It just doesn’t seem that way from these lists.

The Best of 2009

This will be a cry in the wilderness. Let me explain. The club still has an active forum, but no one has touched it since last winter. This blog hasn't been touched by human hands since last July. The chances of anyone -- anyone -- ever reading this are slim to none. So why bother? Because the ICSFiles is long since defunct, and I just can't seem to let go of my annual Top Ten Movies list. Call it a habit, a hobby, call it what you will. I still like doing it.

Once again, I have followed the rule of not listing the movie unless I have seen it in a movie theater in that calendar year. This is why you'll see last year's Best Picture on my list, but you won't see The Hurt Locker, Up in the Air, or assorted other big releases this time around. Yes, I've seen Avatar, and yes, it made the list. Read on to find out where. You'll also see my honorable mentions, my choice for the Dog of the Year (the "Allie"), and my Blu-Ray purchases for 2009. In a separate post, I'll toss in my annual Year in Netflix Rentals. (More a confessional this year than in previous years.)

Here we go, in ascending order to No. 1:

10. DRAG ME TO HELL. Sam Raimi was back this year. No, not the superheroic Raimi; this was the bare-bones, balls-to-the-wall Raimi of his Evil Dead salad days, and what a pleasure it was to see him flex those creep-out muscles once more. The story was basically an extended Night Gallery episode about a loan officer dealing with a horrific gypsy curse, but the fun was in watching Raimi work his magic. He challenged himself to see if he could pull off a creepshow scream-a-thon on a PG-13 rating, and boy, did he deliver. I still get the chills remembering the moment when the dentures fell out.
9. UP. It's Pixar. Need I say more? Honestly, the only animation I even bother checking out in the theater has to have a Pixar label, because these guys haven't stubbed their toes yet. This time, we got an enchanting modern-day adventure story of a senior citizen who attaches a gazillion balloons to his house and floats away to South America, with an eager-beaver Boy Scout as a stowaway. The animation was bright and colorful, the story didn't talk down to anyone, and the opening no-dialogue sequence was one of the best scenes of the movie year.
8. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE. Once again, Harry has made my list, and with good reason. The penultimate chapter of the series (sort of, since the last movie will be split in two) went darker than any that had come before, but there was still time for plenty of Hogwarts mischief. Once again, the cast was excellent; this time around, the casting gem was Jim Broadbent as Prof. Horace Slughorn, whose memory of Voldemort's school days provides Harry with a valuable clue.
7. SHERLOCK HOLMES. I anticipate this pick will probably raise the loudest howls, especially from Conan Doyle purists who object to director Guy Ritchie's take on the iconic detective. Robert Downey Jr., locking in his second franchise character, plays Holmes as a bare-knuckle brawler, adept with his fists as well as his brain. But his chemistry with Jude Law as Dr. Watson is undeniable; they really make the movie. The film, by the way, looks fantastic. The period detail is spot on, right down to the Tower Bridge as a construction "work in progress." The ending teleports an obvious sequel, which I hope they can make. I think Johnny Depp would make an excellent Moriarty.
6. ZOMBIELAND. Now this was a surprise. I think this is what you might get if you crossed Woody Allen with George Romero. Or maybe 28 Days Later with more laughs. Whatever the case, Zombieland was the funniest movie I saw in theaters last year, no question. Woody Harrelson (who had quite a career resurgence in 2009) plays a hardcore zombie killer who teams up with Jesse Eisenberg's slightly neurotic teenager in order to survive a zombie apocalypse. I thought Shaun of the Dead mined all the laughs that could be mined in such a premise, but Zombieland took off in a slightly different direction. It was hilarious. (And so was the year's most surprising cameo.)

I'll be back soon with the top half of my list.